is the meaning of life?
alone in a network of friends, almost without cessation, my thoughts are enveloped by the questions that seek to explore the fundamental nature of existence. i am addicted to philosophy, spirituality, and science. i am entrenched in the world of the abstract, inundated in the mysteries of paradox. i am trapped by logic, chained by reason, and crippled by a passionate desire to express that which i feel to be true--but is wholly ineffable.
wandering the streets, i spend so much time contemplating the nature of existence that i sometimes feel like a ghost. daniel’s words are forever etched in my mind:
perhaps i am already dead, i think to myself. the world seems to be wrapped in a cocoon i can not tear open, and i am suffocating in it. i do not want what other people want, but i do not know how to find what i need. i want truth--my own truth; whatever bleak fragment of whatever hellish totality it might turn out to be.
i am on a spiritual journey, walking the path of the road less travelled. the further one decides to peer beneath the surface of things, the deeper he dwells in splendid isolation. in order to see the texture of reality, i must first understand my place within it. and only in distancing myself from learned behavioural patterns, am i able to see the true nature of my existence. the psychological death of my identity, and complete dissolution of my ego, have marked the very beginning of my spiritual development.
***
consciousness is not something that i have, it is something that i am. the quintessential 'me' is simply a point of consciousness. my body is not i, awareness is all that i can ever be. everything else—insofar as reality is concerned—is an illusion.
it is difficult to talk with this degree of conviction in such rhetorical terms. the unawake reader will be tempted to glaze over such ideas and dismiss their reality due to hir inability to identify with such abstractions. i insist, however, that even the most inscrutable of ideas be thought of with a mind open to new possibilities.
many people—mystics, shamans, gurus, yogis and monks alike—often refer to the concept of enlightenment. this notion of sudden illumination (nirvana) is most prevalent in the literatures of eastern philosophy. in the west, the concept has lost its common accessibility and has been refurbished into a more mythical abstraction. as a result, the notion of enlightenment, but not its experience, pervades popular culture almost unfettered by analysis or legitimate scrutiny.
in my opinion, a lack of complete understanding is the prime cause of the glorified confusion. enlightenment does not come suddenly in a blinding flash. it is not something that happens. it is not something that is sought or achieved. enlightenment is a way of life. the enlightened being no longer has the need to experience moments of clarity, for clarity is all that there is.
***
what does happen swiftly, like a surge of electricity rushing through your body in a flash of sudden insight, is the moment of awakening. many have confused and continue to misconstrue this awakening of consciousness with the state of enlightenment.
the moment of awakening is the most significant and memorable moment of any person’s life. consciousness (what we all are), while able to function on a rudimentary level for the duration of a human lifespan, is not able to exercise its full capacities until the moment of awakening has occurred. that is, consciousness must become aware of consciousness. it must wake up from the artificial coma that is necessarily induced during the formative years.
we are born awake, but are all subsequently put to sleep. this process is necessary for the purposes of training the human biocomputer to adapt and function in the physical system. we must learn how to walk. we must learn how to eat. we must learn how to speak. these lessons are fundamental to our experience. however, we get caught up in all the learning, and as quickly as we grew into knowledge, we grow out of it. by the time the average person has reached adulthood, their consciousness has fallen into a deep sleep, induced by the lullaby of popular culture and mainstream ideology. we dwell in a sort of psychological stand-by, waiting for the moment where someone, or something, will shake us out of our beauty sleep.
it is important to note that understanding and realization are not inherent to awakening. many are left anxious and overwhelmed, existentially panicked. many lack the ability to express their experience in any way. some are left scared and confused. others are exhilarated, delighted, and emancipated. regardless of variance however, if one is lucky enough to have an awakening, all else will be eclipsed.
and then you fall back asleep.
the difference is that your first sleep is induced while your second (and all subsequent) are products of learned and practiced (sometimes for decades) behaviour. the difference is that while you cannot remember what it meant or felt to be awake when you were first born, you invariably recall the moment of your first awakening. you will never forget what it means to be awake; what it means to be alive. life will never be the same ever again.
almost all spiritual endeavours are the result of an awakening, but the journey does not always follow the same path. the awakening of consciousness does not provide any answers. on the contrary, it reveals a universe of new questions which appears daunting and enigmatic. up to then wholly hidden from view, now revealed, the world begins to take a brand new shape. in essence, you awaken to what you did not know. awakening means to know that you do not know.
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